I think under many circumstances I might write this for the blog, but I really explicitly firmly am not wanting to treat it as something fucking political right now, because getting political in my personal is part of what fucks me over, and I don't want to do that processing level right now.
I have a defective relationship between money and self-worth. Like pretty much everyone else in our fucking culture.
I'm writing about this because I was talking with ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) teinedreugan about it yesterday? Friday? something because this is one of the issues in our sex life, but it's also, I've got too much crap in my head, so I need to excrete it somewhere and that's what livejournal is for!
( Necessary background: )
So that's the needful background about my breakdown; skippable for people who either know about the breakdown or might find it upsetting to read a summary of someone else's screaming descent into gibbering failure and the consequences thereof.
( So that was the circumstance under which I Entered The Workforce. )
It's not actually as bad as I've written it, the money thing, it's just. I need to write about this problem, so I've cut out the bits that aren't the problem. You know how it goes. But this is always there.
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So last night KJ slept through, largely I think because my hypervigilance went to eleven and any sign of distress (or at least consciousness) led to me rocking her back to sleep. Obviously, come morning, I was not so much with the capable of dealing with anything.
Fortunately, artan_eter doesn't have to leave for his internship until the afternoon, so I asked him to look after her for the morning so I could get some actual sleep. Which he did.
At about eleven, I am greeted with a cheerful, "Good morning! It's time for a healthy breakfast!" and a hiccuping baby.
So I set up to feed her, settled in, and she nursed for a little bit. Then she decided she was more interested in looking at the world than nursing, so she wriggled around to lie on her belly and look at things.
This didn't mean she wasn't interested in nursing, though.
So she looked at the world while cheerfully gnawing up and down the length of my forearm (previously cradling her when she was in Nursing Position).
(At which point I shouted, "artan_eter!" "What?" "Come look at this, it's funny!" "Moment." Thump up stairs. "What did you say?" "I said 'Come look at this, it's funny.'" And he eyed her enthusiastic chewing (interrupted briefly by her letting go to put on the "YAY IT'S DA!" face), and was amused, and went back downstairs.)
After a bit of this (including swapping her to the other side for a bit, where she nursed for a moment and then made screechy parrot noises at me instead) I decided that getting up was the better part of valor, set her down on the bed, and started getting ready to go downstairs. In the process, I found something amusing.
So I brought things downstairs and found artan_eter in the kitchen.
"It was even funnier than I thought."
"What was?"
I showed him.
"... you have a babyhickey."
"Yes."
"You have a babyhickey on your arm."
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| Date: | 2009-11-19 21:42 |
| Subject: | Dinner: the Victory |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  satisfied | | Music: | some television over there making boopy tivo noises |
Swapped dinner nights with artan_eter 'cos Monday was KJ Screams All Day Day and that had me in no state for household chores. (artan_eter made baked soup, because he failed at fried soup utterly. Don't ask.)
So I actually planned ahead for this and did prep in the bits when I'd gotten KJ to nap today. And the results were very good. So. I explain.
( Slow-cooked whole chicken breast & rice with veggies & gravy: a gluten-and-dairy-free meal with treif )
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| Date: | 2009-11-08 16:14 |
| Subject: | Sigh. |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  cranky | | Music: | Walk Like An Egyptian-Bangles-Greatest Hits |
Local mailing list stupidity. Mod has requested that we not snark at the sanctimonious ass, which spares me the need to actually come up with something passably polite to say. I will just limit myself to:
I have no problem with those who prefer the "comfort" and "ease" and "convenience" of practicing indoors, I just wanted to mention that it's not how pagans traditionally practiced.
And if you believe that, I've got a hypostyle hall to sell you.
(Fucking neodruidic supremacist assholes.)
... music not frontloaded.
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| Date: | 2009-11-02 15:16 |
| Subject: | Today |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  sore | | Music: | Foreplay/Long Time-Boston-Boston |
Happy Baby Industries is continuing research into the exciting field of spoon manipulation.
Meanwhile, why the fuck do I have an infected toe? Ow.
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Well, it's been a busy few months here at Happy Baby Industries. As you know, we went public on 1 August, so we've been quite occupied for the season.
We are pleased to report record-setting levels of growth! In fact, our happy baby product has roughly doubled in mass and achieved over a 15% markup on length after introduction. Raw materials consumption has been slowly ramping up, and we have adjusted our waste disposal and cleaning protocols to adjust to byproducts as required. We endeavour always to put forward a clean, dry product.
Among the developments on the Happy Baby [tm] this quarter have been: laughter, grasping, and conversational babble. Integration with previous small mammals has been mostly smooth, and there have been no overt conflicts. Advanced systems integration (such as, for example, card counting) has yet to be implemented, however.
Thank you for being with us this quarter. Look forward to more startling developments in our second quarter report!
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KJ was settled on my chest and half-pushing herself upright on her forearms.
Me: You are a mighty baby!
artan_eter: A baby of +2 might?
Me: I thought she was a baby of +3 enthusiasm.
artan_eter: She can have multiple enchantments.
Me: Yes. She is a Baby of Holding and a Decanter of Endless Pee.
artan_eter: With all these minor enchantments, she might be an artifact-level baby.
Me: Are you an artifact-level baby?
KJ: Agooga!
Me, reminded: She also does sonic damage.
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artan_eter: You want something. Are you hungry?
whispercricket: She wants your soul, artan_eter.
artan_eter: I think she's a bit early to start on solid food.
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| Date: | 2009-10-20 17:18 |
| Subject: | I was just accidentally mean to whispercricket |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  amused | | Music: | baby breathing |
Lately, KJ will occasionally wake up screaming, like she's shocked by awareness, and doesn't stop until she's sure she's awake. I suspect bad dreams or something.
She was snuggled up in my lap prior to the howling this go around, and I picked her up and comforted her as follows:
"It's okay, it's okay sweetie. It's just consciousness. It'll go away again eventually."
whispercricket was on the other couch trying to sleep because she's working on bronchitis or something. She laughed rather a bit, and it sounded painful, then rasped, "It's true...."
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Someone is attempting to argue from the dictionary by picking the definitions that can be twisted to suit his agenda. Various people have pointed out that taking words with meanings in a particular context and using entries that apply to different contexts produces invalid results.
I finally lost my willingness to argue straight-up with someone that mendacious and asked if he liked Communist apples, environmentally-friendly apples, or cowardly apples.
Meanwhile, other places I read are once again places I consider posting my thoughts and then decide I'm fucking unsafe having that conversation there and shut up in. Ah, internets, I love you so.
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| Date: | 2009-10-15 13:11 |
| Subject: | Dreams |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  confused | | Music: | Long Way Down-Goo Goo Dolls-A Boy Named Goo |
I don't think I'm sick, so this is not a fever dream.
There's ... I have no idea how to parse the bit about organising some kind of church service with my seniormost minion being a man with the head of a mallard.
He commented, somewhere along there, that getting things organised was "like herding ducks".
I, uh.
Okay.
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"You okay?"
"Yes."
[ time passes ]
"That cramping you at all?"
"No, I'm fine."
[ time passes ]
"You all right?"
"Honestly, the thing that's bothering me the most is the ceiling light is really bright."
"... really? Oh."
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| Date: | 2009-10-09 12:51 |
| Subject: | Cyborg Fail |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: | cranky | | Music: | babybabbles |
( Cut for people who are uninterested in ranting about my cervix. )
KJ's pediatrician appointment went well, though. She continues to be in fantastic health.
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I may be done Totally Hating the Universe now, or at least have my glands under control. Sobbing in shower (in part to muffle sound) = not a good time had by all.
Had to be up too early in order to fake being a grownup. Thus, kind of hazy (try again later).
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| Date: | 2009-09-28 00:45 |
| Subject: | I love my family. |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  tired | | Music: | アリア(Siloti編)～管弦楽組曲 第3番 ニ長調 BWV1068より-Pablo Casals-Bach: Cello Suites 1-6 |
Context: whispercricket has brought KJ up to sleep on teinedreugan, since she's too fussy to go down in the cradle.
As the other bedroom door shuts, I hear the context being presented.
(No, I don't know why this CD identifies in those characters. The other one in the set identifies in English. I can't be arsed fixing it.)
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According to keshwyn's bathroom scale (standard 'weigh adult+baby, weigh adult, subtract') KJ is up over thirteen pounds now. She got a comparison to V at game night (due dates on the pregnancies 2 days apart, V born two months preemie) and is, indeed, huge.
She also appears to try waving back to people who wave at her. This is awfully cool.
In other news, I am sick and miserable.
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For fyrekat mentioned that the Oriental Institute has a bunch of titles downloadable in PDF form for free. I would rather have bookbooks, but having the contents of the bookbooks is almost as good, and the free bit is most excellent.
And teinedreugan is making one of my favorite dinners tonight.
(Not bad for a day in which I was stuck in the doctor's office waiting for a pap smear for so long I took a nap on the exam table. And where I couldn't make a followup appointment before they confirmed that my insurance would cover it, because the American health care system is a shameful mockery.)
(Look! I can make posts that aren't primarily baby content!)
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| Date: | 2009-09-21 17:12 |
| Subject: | Generalised Notes |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: | scattered | | Music: | Black-White-Mr. Mister-Welcome To The Real World |
suzimoses presented me with a baby alphabet book gift from the pod. I am unspeakably delighted by "X is for xenops". (I think "D" may be for "dinosaur", but the associated cloth animal is unspeakably blodgy. I think perhaps "donkey" would have been a wiser editorial choice.)
KJ has achieved a point of muscle control and neurological development where her top half moves more or less like C-3PO. Still not to the point of reaching for or holding objects, though.
The breast pump intimidates me with all of its glistening clear plastic bits. Need to parse it out to get supply that is not-immediately-me available, also latest round of cluster feeding has left me ... unpleasantly swollen.
Did some work yesterday on the Traveller's Guide project. Which appeared to amuse the current population of the household a lot, as it involved referencing back and forth among a small pile of books, with occasional divergences into Google. (My favorite Google search was the 'try to find original reference for line on this page of this book', search, sole hit ... the Google books entry for that page of the book. Augh. Sorted it out eventually.) For generalised amusement, the section that I was working on is currently entitled "Sidebar: Your Body, Your Selves".
Feeling intensely grateful for the existence of my father as my father. And exhausted unto inarticulacy by dwamas.
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| Date: | 2009-09-17 16:30 |
| Subject: | Masterwork Baby |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: | sore | | Music: | Bringing Me Down To My Knees-Roxette-Room Service |
Definitely thoroughly enchanted, not only as a Decanter of Endless Pee but also a Baby of Holding (cursed).
(I'm ready for this round of cluster feeding to end. Any time now.)
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| Date: | 2009-09-16 17:29 |
| Subject: | Six Weeks: Footnote |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: | sore | | Music: | Seven Souls-Material-Seven Souls |
Have not yet mailed baby to Patagonia.
(Oh good, she's napping.)
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discontent
drained
silly
annoyed
sleepy
